A Cognitive Dissonance
“Ready to fall in love with yourself all over again?”
That was the line that caught my attention. I came across Natalia on Tik Tok and Insta long before reading that line. Seeing her photos and the gorgeous women so empowered and happy? I honestly never considered that that could be me.
Months pass and I hit a low point in my life (after a journey so full of trauma that should never fit into just the 24 years of my life so far), and a fight against anorexia, depression, gender dysphoria, DID, and all of the hate that the world throws at you for being different and having struggles. I found myself thinking of Natalia and wondering more about the amazing women she photographs. I finally checked out her site.
Imagine my surprise to find out that they were just women, ordinary, everyday, walk past them on the street casually women. That it wasn’t that they were more special than the rest of us, than me. That the beauty and confidence and power is something in every women. At least that’s what Natalia said. I didn’t quite believe it, then I saw that line. “Ready to fall in love with yourself all over again?”
What really caught me was the again. Ready to fall in love with yourself all over again. And it felt almost like a slap to the face - the realisation that the fact that I’ve never loved myself or my body is not normal - that I should’ve already been able to love myself. That line was what caught my attention, though it took months more before I felt ready to even contact Natalia.
Then came the photoshoot. I went because that chance to actually fall in love with myself became a goal, something I was determined to achieve, though I still didn’t quite believe I could. Even with my work on body confidence over the past many months to prepare…
The day of the shoot though, after everything else, was like my fairytale Princess moment. Seeing myself through Natalia’s camera and point of view was like nothing I could have imagined. The only way to describe it cohesively would be cognitive dissonance.
After a life of trauma and hate, and self-hate and endless issues with my body, I saw what I can only describe as a strong, gorgeous, happy woman, and someone also deserving of that happiness and of love.
Cognitive dissonance is the only description that does justice to the complete shift in perspective challenging everything I’d ever thought and seen of myself. It was honestly so much more than I ever imagined possible.
A dissonance that didn’t stop there. I’ve carried it with me, integrating it into my view of myself. Seeing that beautiful, strong, happy woman in the mirror every morning, in windows as I walk past them, in photos taken at café’s by my amazing girlfriend who believed in me even when I didn’t. Even while looking at old photos, I still see it.
I am a beautiful, strong woman, who does deserves the happiness and self-love I’m finally finding for the first time in my life.
Natalia helped me fall in love with myself for the first time in my entire life despite a life of trauma, and pain, and self-hate. So if you’re reading this and you’re on the fence, or you’re like me and don’t think this could ever be you, I promise you it is worth the leap of faith.
You deserve it. Just as much as I do.